


Gone

by sherlockianf1fanatic



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-23 08:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockianf1fanatic/pseuds/sherlockianf1fanatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Series of diary entries written from Rob's perspective, post Felipe's accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. July 25th 2009

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
> 
> Hi everyone! This is my first proper fanfic, so constructive critisism is very welcome ;) Apologies for the rubbish title and summary, I'm not very good at making them up! Also, apologies that this chapter is so short.  
> Thankfully this is AU. Rated teen and up for the themes and very mild language.

My head's an absolute bloody mess. It feels like the whole world's spinning. I feel completely numb. My thoughts are so jumbled that in incredibly difficult to comprehend it all. I don't dare to switch on the TV in my hotel room because I know that _it_ will be plastered all over the news. Images of him keep running through my head. I try to block it out of my mind for a little while but then all the memories come flooding back.

Sometimes people who are in a coma hear what's going on around them. I hope he could, at least so that he knew he wasn't alone. It's quite unlikely, but I like to hope that he knew I was there.

I couldn't bear to leave the hospital; it's as if I knew something terrible was going to happen. I knew he was in a bad way, but I tried to stay hopeful that he would pull through. I left him all alone. He died in that hospital alone. Even though I had that bad feeling, I should have been there for him, but instead I was a coward. I walked away when he needed me most.

I'm so sorry Felipe.


	2. July 26th 2009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read the first chapter! Please comment on what you like/dislike about it so I know where to improve for next time :)
> 
> Again, apologies that this chapter is quite short :(

I had a dream last night. It surprised me; I haven't had a dream for a long time. I've been struggling to get any sleep at all recently because I've been thinking about him so much and now he's popping up in my dreams too.

The last few days has all been a bit of a blur, to be honest. Suddenly, all of the media wants to talk to you. I think I've done more interviews in the last day than I had ever done before. I feel so constricted. I just want to be left in peace to let it all sink in. Anyway, that dream last night. The paddock was completely empty apart from me and Felipe. He reached out to touch my shoulder, then disappeared... And that was it. I shouldn't think too much of it, really.I wish he'd spoken to me, even though it wouldn't have been real. I jsut want to hear his voice one more time. 

The team have offered to let me have the next few races off, but I declined. I wouldn't have any idea of what to do. I guess I'd spend most of my time moping around. I'd prefer to keep working in memory of Felipe - even though I won't have a driver to work with - and hopefully we can get a good enough result that we can dedicate to him. That's all that matters now.

We had quite an "unconventional" relationship compared to that of other driver-race engineer partnerships. We were best mates, and Felipe was like a little brother to me. We went through all the highs and lows **together**. We were a unit. I couldn't have imagined working with anyone else. Now I have to think about that. It won't be the same, of course it won't. I'll never have the same relationship with a driver the way I did with Felipe. He was special.


	3. July 27th 2009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken such a long time to complete, I've been incredibly busy recently and I've found it difficult to get it good enough to post. This is a longer chapter than the others, so I hope that that makes up for it! :P

_Ein Leben ohne Euch macht wenig Sinn,  
Kein Leben kein Geräusch dann wäre ich wie blind _

Translation:  
Life without you makes little sense,  
No life, no sound, then it would be as if I am blind  


Xavier Naidoo - Was wir alleine nicht schaffen

 

Piles of cards, messages and tributes were stacked high at the church when I arrived. I took a peek at a few and tried to understand as much of the messages in Portuguese as I could. There were some in Italian and a few in English too, and loads in various different languages. Many photos of him were there too. One caught my eye. It was a photo of us together after Felipe won at Interlagos for the first time in 2006. Winning his home race meant everything to him; he took it even more seriously than any of the other races. Near to that, there was a really atmospheric photo of him on the podium at Interlagos in 2008, darkness overhead but the light from the podium illuminating the surrounding area, Felipe standing at the edge of the podium area with his arms outstretched. I'll always be proud of the way he handled it: like a true champion. So gracious in defeat, so magnanimous. II'll always remember that.

Earlier in the day I got to see him. I was a bit apprehensive, because that's not how I want to remember him. Like when Gerhard Berger went to see Ayrton Senna in hospital, he's said that his last _real_ memory of Senna was when they were on the drivers' parade together before the race at Imola. I don't want the memory of him lying there to be the one I always recall when I think of him. I hope that the memories I have of him won't fade for a long time.

The church was packed with people, Felipe's family and friends, and loads of his old colleagues. Rubens was there too. He smiled at me, but there was no real emotion behind the smile. We reminisced, telling each other stories about practical jokes Felipe played on us, or times when he was goofing around and did something stupid. I tried to smile, I really tried all I bloody could, but it was as if the muscles in my face that make me smile have been paralysed. Slowly, I started to feel the numbness seep in again.

I felt lost, as of my mind wasn't **there** and I couldn't find the right words to say. In the end, I just kept quiet.

Simply the thought of having to say goodbye to him felt - and still feels - bizarre. I thought the funeral would bring some sort of closure and my life could go back to a resemblance of normality. But he was my life, well, a major part of it. I'd hugely underestimated what a huge hole he's gonna leave in my life.

The scars aren't going to begin to heal for a long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the photo from Interlagos 2008, in case anyone's interested:
> 
> http://news.bbc.co.uk/sol/shared/spl/hi/motorsport/09/massive_pic/img/podium_brazil08.jpg


End file.
